YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

The primary color of your car is "bondo."

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny or your cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a High School sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

There's a stuffed possum ANYWHERE in your house.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave them in the shade.

The nieghbors started a petition over you Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy sized bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires of your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider oudoor life deep reading.

You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever wore a tube top to a wedding.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on balck velvet.

You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shit-head."

You think that beef jerkey and moon pies are two mof the major food groups.

You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You've ever used weed eater indoors.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car doesn't run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Mr. Right"

You have to go out to get something from the fridge.

Your richest relative invites you over to his house to help take off the wheels.

You've ever financed a tatoo.

Your idea of a 7 course meal consists of a six-pack and a bucket of KFC.

You go to a Tupperware party for a hair cut. (hint: think bowl cut)

You have spray painted your boyfriend's name on an overpass.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

You father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is a part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You have beet too drunk to fish.

You have had to remove a toothpick for a wedding picture.

Your lifetime goal is to own a firework stand.

Someone asks to see your I.D and you show them your belt buckle.

You measure your foot size with a ruler. (~Thanx Parker)

Your Junior/Senior prom had a Daycare.

The directions to your house include turn off the paved road.

Your dog and wallet are both on chains.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have lost at least one tooth by opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniel's makes your top 10- most respected peoples list.

Your house dosen't have curtians but your truck does.

You started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia On My Mind."

You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.

You consider your licence plate personalized because your dad made it in jail.

You have been fired from your construction job because of your appearence.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freeibe at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

After making love you ask your date roll down the window.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. 

Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an ' lookit this afore I flush it."

Your husband weighs more than your refrigerator.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on tehe passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you both are in the same grade.

You wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will raise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have to go down to the creek for a bath.

You participate in a "Who can spit the farthest contest."

You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You consider a thress piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt, and thremal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountian Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".

You've ever made a change in the offering plate.

If your fifth grade is referred to as the "senior year."

You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the sleeve...

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

You have 5 cars that are immobile and home that isn't.

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Your huntin' dog cost more the truck you drive him around in.

You'd rather catch a bass than get some.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertable car/truck top.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

The theme song at your high school prom was "Friends in Low Places".

It's easier to spray weed killer on your yawn than mow it.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. 

Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.

Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.

Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.

Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.

You're latest salad bowl was an ex-Cool Whip container.

The UFO hotline limits you to one call per week.

You have been on the news a lot describing what the tornado was like.

You go to a hoe down and your wife hits the floor.

You shoot someone just for looking at you

People mistake your lawn for a yard sale

Your roof caves in and it kills 5 hunting dogs and 3 raccoons

You have more dogs than teeth 

You think lighter fluid is eating a can of beans

Everyday someone knocks on your front door mistakenly thinking your having a yard sale -WARLORD911

You smoked at your wedding -WARLORD911

Your mother walks out of the bathroom saying, "Come look at this before I flush it" 

Hillbilly's Penis

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing,"says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom? The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three"


Drinking & Driving

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."


Ol' MacDonald

Bubba and Billy Bob were the two star performers on their college football team. Their professor informed the team coach that their grades were below average, making them ineligible to play in Saturday's "Big Game". The professor agreed to raise their grades if they passed a test. The coach pleaded, "Make the test easy professor". The test was one, fill-in-the-blank question: "Old MacDonald had a ______." While taking the test Billy Bob asked Bubba, "Hey Bubba, what's the answer?" Bubba made sure the professor wasn't looking and said, "FARM." Billy Bob then asked,"Hey, how do you spell farm?" Bubba said, "You big dummy, e i e i o."


REDNECK POPULAR SAYINGS:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

"Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

"When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."